My toughest day as a cop


Rape (Photo credit: Valeri Pizhanski)


I have PTSD, so I’m no longer a police officer.  But, the memories of those times and others stay with me.  I was pretty ticked last night after an online discussion with someone who was telling me how bad guns were.  I make bullet jewelry and she was slightly bothered that I was promoting gun use.  Actually, she was the second person who made that accusation to me yesterday.


So, let me tell you a short story from my police years.  I still remember clearly my hardest day.  I’m sure you’re thinking it was a shoot out or something similar, but it wasn’t.  My toughest day was centered around an interview with a victim.  She had been out jogging at night and was attacked and raped.


The tough part was having to interview her.  I had to ask those questions that I knew would hurt her.  The ones that would force her back into that moment.  Make her relive it.  Make her feel the shame and embarrassment of telling a stranger about the worst day of her life.  She had to tell me the intimate details of a horrific event in her life.  An event that brought her shame and fear that she did not deserve.  I will never forget the looks on her face.  The pain she felt reliving it.  I will also never forget how disgusting I felt asking her those questions.


That was my toughest day.  Having to reopen wounds and probe that memory to get the information I needed to do my job.  I hunted for him night after night and sometimes when I wasn’t on duty.  I became angry at myself for not being in the right place at the right time to save her.  The rape happened on my shift.


Do I wish she had had a gun that night and that she had shot him?  Yes!  I would have much rather responded to a shooting of a rapist than to have done that interview.  She did not get assaulted because I wasn’t doing my job.  It didn’t happen because their weren’t enough police on the street.  It happened because predators do not work in the light.  They don’t operate normally where they can be seen.  They prey on the weak.  They are not strong.  They are cowards, but they’re still dangerous.


Don’t tell me that law abiding people should not be armed.  That they instead should be dependent on the government for their protection.  There are too many evil people roaming any given city on any given day for the police to affectively deal with them.  I’m not bashing the police.  As I said, I was one.  But there aren’t enough men and women with a badge to protect us all.  Defend yourself.



4 comments on “My toughest day as a cop

  1. I would have to say she was lucky you were willing to ask those questions as that is the beginning of her road to healing and also understanding her life is not over. Perhaps your worst and best day as you were willing to do your job which in the long run is what matters.

  2. Work through it, Brother.

    Some people go around the mountain. Some people go over the mountain. You were (and will always be) part of a Brotherhood that goes through the mountain.

    While wolves attack, the sheep run. The sheep dog goes directly to the trouble, knowing he might have to lay down his life to defend the flock.
    Think about it.

    We all have to work through something, and it takes time. It’s an unpleasant experience at times, but you must determine yourself to succeed. Your PTSD, believe it or not, will make you a stronger and better person.

    You now speak from a standpoint of wisdom.

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