Every now and again God speaks to me in some very unexpected ways. This morning it seemed to be through a random picture with a caption on Facebook. I’m unable to work now due to PTSD. I’m not lazy, believe me when I say I’ve tried to work with not so good outcomes. In fact, I tell you I’m not lazy because I feel so much guilt from not being able to work. Each time I’ve tried to get out of my current condition, I’ve hit a brick wall. Hard.
Basically, PTSD came to me after I spent most of my life trying to save others. In part to prevent some of the things I had seen from happening to others, and partly to try to make up for what I felt were failures to save others. It has left me in an odd place. I’m basically stuck in place. I’m unable to work. Unable to fight. I’m just here. I’ve spent a couple of years now trying to claw my way back to what I was. It’s been an unsuccessful effort.
But, a thought occurred to me this morning. A thought from God I’m sure. Maybe God is telling me it’s time for me to rest for a while. It’s time for me to stop trying to save everyone and just be. This is a much easier task to type than it is for me to do. I still have this under the surface feeling that if I’m not ‘doing’ then someone’s going to suffer for it. But, that’s not giving God any credit, any power. I think I’ve been assuming that God is with me, but it’s still up to me to do the saving. I’ve thought that God gave me the bible and other tools, and now I either do what needs to be done or else.
It appears that I’ve been wrong on this for a long time. I refused to rest, to give myself a break, so God stepped in to do it for me. He created a set of circumstances that give me no choice. No way out. No way for me to save myself or anyone else. I have no option left but to rely totally and completely on Him. I don’t mean relying on Him by praying more or doing better at reading the bible. I mean that I am in a position now where I cannot, believe me I’ve tried, do for myself. I am dependent on God for all.
To be completely honest, this is a comforting thought. Although, even as I think that I get the feeling from the back of my mind that I’m just lazy. Pretty sure that thought is not from God.