My new PTSD lack of memory

English: Cases of PTSD and Severe Depression A...

English: Cases of PTSD and Severe Depression Among U.S. Veterans Deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan Between Oct 2001 and Oct 2007 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple of years ago, I think.  I say I think because I really don’t know for sure.  One of the things PTSD has done to me is greatly affect my memory.

 

Since PTSD hit me I just don’t remember things.  I’m not exaggerating when I say that I used to have a near photographic memory. Tests were never an issue for me in school because I always remembered the information.  As a police officer, I could make an arrest and then go to court months later and remember with vivid clarity all of the details of the incident.  Basically, once I saw something it was locked in my mind and I could recall it anytime I wanted or needed.

 

After PTSD I rarely remember much of anything.  I have to check my phone or watch multiple times a day to know what day it is.  I have to keep extensive notes of normal everyday things because I can’t recall information when I need it.  Simple things like did I eat lunch?  I don’t know.  Did I make a phone call I was supposed to make?  Don’t know, I have to do some research to find out.  Did I turn the oven off?  I have no earthly idea, I’ll have to go check.  And then at times recheck multiple times before I can get a particular piece of info to stick.

 

For me, this has been probably the most annoying and embarrassing part of PTSD.  I HATE having to call someone like the doctors office to find out if I already called them or not.  If I failed to take down notes, then I typically have no way of knowing whether I have spoken to somebody or not.

 

I’m basically relegated to doing chores around the house.  Cleaning, fixing, upgrading, etc.  I am able to handle our money because of extensive register and note keeping that I do.  I am grateful for these things because it gives me a sense of purpose.  It makes me feel that my wife isn’t having to carry all of the burden herself.

 

It’s difficult to once be a man who could respond to any emergency situation with a clear mind and confidence, and then go to someone who has to triple check before I leave the house to make sure I have my wallet.  I guess in the end this is the new me and I might as well get used to it.  I’m not really seeing a change in the near future.

 

 

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2 comments on “My new PTSD lack of memory

  1. Understood completely. I can deal instantly with a trauma situation, do exactly what’s necessary when its necessary. then, immediately afterward, can’t even remember my own name. Sometimes takes me hours to stop shaking and to speak coherently.

  2. Pingback: PTSD and me Part 6: Stumbling into my future | Aurora Morealist

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