My own worst punisher

Too Many Hammers

Too Many Hammers (Photo credit: Velo Steve)

 

If you’ve read much from my blog you know that I deal with PTSD or CPTSD.  I had a bit of an epiphany this morning during my devotional time.  I’ll interject here that I’m always amazed when God brings something to my attention at just the right time.

 

Anyways, PTSD is a rough thing at times.  Although I was in the Army and was a civilian police officer, my PTSD was mainly caused by my childhood.  I was reading a devotional this morning and God used it to point out how much I punish myself.  Basically, I am not kind to myself.  I had forgotten until this morning, in fact just a few minutes ago, of some of things I used to do to punish myself when I was young.  This way of living is still haunting me today and I didn’t realize it.

 

I now remember times of locking myself in my closet in the dark as punishment for something I felt I had done wrong.  Or I would work outside in the summer heat until I was sick.  Once I was into my teen years I would do the same, only worse.  As of this morning I remember beating my thighs with a hammer in the hopes of breaking my leg.  I remember believing that if I could break it, then I would accomplish three things.  First, I would get the punishment that I deserved.  Second, I would dish out my own punishment before someone else could.  I would be in control of it.  Third, I would garner some type of sympathy from my parents.  I was never able to hit hard enough to break anything, which only made me feel like more of a failure.

 

I know this sounds sick.  It does to me thinking about it.  But what I realize today is that I still do this destructive behavior.  I don’t do anything physically, but I’m constantly beating myself up mentally.  Most times without evening realizing it.  I’m constantly fighting with myself over whether I’m good enough or not.  Whether I’m lazy or not.  Can I do anything right?

 

Now that God has pointed this out to me, hopefully I can begin to work on this and heal from it.  Please pray for me in this new revelation and journey.

 

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