PTSD is hard to explain. I’ve attempted in some of my other posts, but I’m not sure if it makes sense to someone who doesn’t have it. I must say that often it is hell on earth.
But, there is a reason that I’m thankful to God for it. Maybe more than one reason, but I’ll concentrate one of the main reasons here. I’ve probably had PTSD since I was a child, but it only got bad enough to stop me in my tracks a couple of years ago or so. At least I think it was 2 years ago. Memories get a little mixed now.
I’m thankful to God for it because nothing in my life has driven me closer to God. On many days I have no choice but to turn to God. I don’t want this to sound bad, but He’s my last option. Should He be my last option? Nope. But, like many people, men especially, I use to say that I was totally dependent on God, and then turn around and go it on my own. I believed a lie. I believed that what God wanted was for me to take what He had taught me and go figure it out on my own. After all, He laid it all out in the Bible. Don’t worry, don’t be anxious, trust God, etc. So, I read all of these kind of verses and decided what God was saying is that I need to get a handle on myself and work it out.
I was wrong. We are designed to depend on God. We are meant to be children that are in constant need of their Fathers love, help, guidance and support. No matter what you or I may have believed, we are not here to ‘make it on our own’. That is not and never has been God’s plan.
Now that I have full blown PTSD, I still have a choice as to whether I will depend on God or not. But, I’m still learning day by day that giving my path over to Him is the only right way. One way I know it’s right is because I can feel it in my spirit that I’m on the right path when I’m living in total dependance on Him. As a man, this dependance is tough to achieve. I was taught to make it on my own, to survive on my own. That teaching was wrong and PTSD is helping me to re-learn my relationship with God.