My wife and I were at a restaurant yesterday and I had this strange feeling of just being ok with who I am. This may not be a strange feeling to many, but for me, it’s very odd. I was taught from a very early age that who I was was not ok. This way of thinking has been a life long process.
So, how do I change that now? How do I overcome over three decades of conditioning. Conditioning that was started at home and then continued by me out of sheer habit. How do I begin to understand how God see’s me?
Maybe, just maybe, more than anything else, this is where I need to spend my time. Not trying to fix anything. Not trying to overcome PTSD. Not trying to please anyone. Just being ok with who I am and learning to accept that God loves me for me. Not for how hard I work. Not for how much I beat myself up, which I’m quite good at at. Quite honestly, this scares the crap out of me. What if I make even worse mistakes while trying to be just me? It’s a vicious cycle, but I’ve got to learn how to break this cycle.
Just being who I am. Who God created me to be. Doing the best I can and understanding that God knows I will have missteps and mistakes. Even as I type this, I find that it all sounds like a lie I’m trying to tell myself. Maybe I have my truths and lies mixed up? What do you think?